It’s inevitable. The Astros will be watching the post-season at home. Sigh. Okay, now let’s try to turn the rest of this miserable season into something memorable.
Losing more than 100 games does not need to be the only way this team goes down in history. There is time to rebound and provide some last-minute excitement for the fans and the franchise. There is a way to better represent the city of Houston. In fact, there are 10 ways:
1. Provide free parking at every home game until the end of the season. Sure, someone has to pay but it shouldn’t be the fans. Issue parking vouchers—or send an intern from the front office to buy a ton of money orders.
2. Name a celebrity co-manager at every home game. Get Houston’s best and brightest stars in the dugout for a day. Can you imagine Carolyn Farb wearing the uniform?
3. Add some surprise promotions. Have Wandy Rodriguez sign the left arm of everyone in attendance or 10,000 of his baseball cards. Give away the bat of any player who hits a home run. Let one lucky fan shower with the team. Actually, save that idea for one of Carolyn Farb’s future fundraisers.
4. Create special 100-loss t-shirts to give away to fans. On the front, show a Texas-themed thermometer with the mercury at 100 degrees. Give it a caption like, “100 means it’s hot!” On the back, use an image of cartoon-looking ballplayers in a state of chaos. Make the caption say, “100 means we’re cold.”
5. Pay 40,000 out-of-work Houstonians to fill the seats one game. Coach them to cheer no matter what happens on the field. Keep them at the ballpark through the 9th inning by offering to pay them immediately following the game.
6. Select one lucky fan to host an Astros player in his or her home for a day. A solid day. 24 hours. Showing up at noon and leaving at three is not acceptable.
7. Add a twist to #6. Shoot a commercial showing the ballplayer doing housework for the host fan. Explain how helping the fans one at a time is the team’s way of making up for the 2011 season.
8. Take every fan out for dinner after a night game. Thank goodness Katz’s Never Kloses. They’ll still be seating fans days later, but the Cheesecake Shake will be worth the wait.
9. Fly 500 fans to Chicago for the series against the Cubs. Instead of randomly selecting fans, choose a deserving group, such as volunteer firefighters, although many of them will be busy responding to the wildfires consuming much of Texas.
10. Offer season tickets to any Houston area family that names a newborn child after any player currently on the roster. In two weeks we may want to take note of how many expectant mothers demanded c-sections on September 28.
Raising Aidan 